As human beings, we're hardwired to want more. Imagine the following: You settle into your brand new, beautiful home. You puff up your chest and take in a deep breath. It feels good to savor the accomplishment of buying your first house. Your heart is bursting with pride. As you're looking around the house, you stop when you reach the dishwasher.
There's nothing wrong with it technically. But it could be better. It looks a little dingy and it's missing the top rack for utensils. You sigh as you think about how difficult it is to put utensils in the bottom silverware compartment. Every night after dinner, you wrangle with the silverware compartment. You ruminate on how much easier it would be if you had a third drawer compartment. Sometimes you chuckle to yourself, thinking about how this is a first world problem. But ultimately, it's something that's making you unhappy.
Now every month you have a dedicated savings vault for your new dishwasher. You're eagerly awaiting the day that you get to buy it. Then your house will finally be complete and you can enjoy it. So you save up the money to put in a new dishwasher and you're pleased as punch. The heated dry actually works so you don't wake up with your dishes soaking wet. And even better, you have the coveted third drawer compartment for your utensils. No more bending down each night to shove your utensils in the back of the silverware compartment. Life is good... until a month later when you realize that your washing machine needs an upgrade too.
And so we repeat the endless cycle - wanting, saving, getting, forgetting, wanting more.
This isn't a commentary on the dangers of luxury or the selfish nature of consumerism. I'm not going to tell you to get rid of all your material possessions to live in a tiny house. Or that you can only experience true contentment when you get rid of excess. I'm a psychologist and a human. This problem doesn't make me criticize, it makes me curious. Why do so many of us feel that happiness is right around the corner. If I could get that new dishwasher, I would finally be happy. If I could make $20,000 more a year then I could finally relax. Once I get my new job, I'll be satisfied.
We all fall prey to this common thought pattern. We look to the future to find our happiness and sacrifice our present moment. The present might be good, but the future could be great. We've all heard the sayings - the grass is always greener on the other side. Perfection is the enemy of good. Many of us waste our lives away in the pursuit of a better future. Constantly searching for more in the future keeps you focusing on what you lack in the present.
Right about now you might be thinking - why the hell do we do this? I ask myself the same question. Why can't I be content? Why do I always feel like happiness is just out of arm's reach?
As it turns out, the answer is at least partly neurological. For centuries, many of us have considered wanting something and liking something to be the same. We spend hours, days, weeks, and even years wanting certain things. We assume that it will be equally as satisfying to get the thing we've been wanting for so long. But our Amazon purchase history tells us otherwise. This is because wanting something and liking something are two different brain mechanisms.
Scientists refer to "wanting" as mesolimbic incentive salience. Boy do scientists love to come up with fancy names. For sake of clarity - I'll refer to mesolimbic incentive salience as desire moving forward. The desire system is a large and powerful part of the brain. A large component of this system involves dopamine, a "feel good" neurotransmitter. Each time we experience a desire-related trigger, dopamine releases those feel good emotions. Our cognitive goals for something can be connected to the desire system. They can also be separate.
Imagine the following example: You recently applied for a new job with better benefits, increased salary, and more time off. You want to get that job. But you desire a life of luxury and wealth. This desire starts to overtake the cognitive goal for the new job. The next time you see that big yacht in the lake, you get a little hit of dopamine. You imagine lounging on the chairs and soaking in the sun. The next time you pass the mansion in the rich neighborhood, you get a little hit of dopamine. You imagine having large parties in the backyard with your large social circle. You picture yourself arranging your meals on marble countertops.
Pretty soon, the desire itself becomes addictive. Sure, the new job with the better benefits and time off sounds good. But the feeling you get from imagining the life of luxury is what releases the feel good hormones. The wanting itself triggers the desire system and gives us the feeling of pleasure.
This is similar to what people addicted to substances experience. Many people experience the first high as euphoric and intense. From there, the feeling starts to fade. But researchers have found that those feel good hormones are also released before they use the drug. The realization that they have scored a hit is enough to trigger a release of dopamine. This is the reason it can be hard to maintain sobriety. On a cognitive level the goal is to stay sober. But when someone experiences a trigger, that dopamine system starts to kick in. It's not about the having, it's about the wanting. The desire.
So what about the liking part of the brain? Whereas the desire system is a rich and complex system in the brain, the liking system is disjointed and fragile. The liking system is a collection of hotspots in various areas of the brain. These hotspots are small and easily disrupted. For example, let's look at the nucleus accumbens. This is an area of the brain responsible for desire and liking. The hotspot for liking accounts for about 10% of the nucleus accumbens. The other 90% is responsible for several other functions, including the desire system.
Let's zoom out from the neurobiological level. Instead, let's look at the cognitive level. Let's imagine spring is beginning. As the weather warms up, you feel an intense desire to have a picnic. In your head, it's perfect. You and your partner are engaging in witty banter. The temperature is just right. The sun is shining down on you and providing the perfect amount of light. Anyone would long for this afternoon.
Now, let's think about the reality. On the way to the picnic you and your partner got in an argument about taking out the trash. The temperature is perfect, but it's windy. The wind flaps up the edges of the blanket and tangles your hair. Ants start to crawl around the blanket and flies buzz around your head (god forbid you see a wasp). And since it's a perfect day outside, the park is crowded with strangers. It's still a wonderful afternoon, but it's not perfect.
Our desire system convinces us that the future will be perfect. Then we get to the future, and it's not perfect. Reality comes with raw edges and imperfections. Our chef made meal comes out a little charred. Our perfect summer day is tainted by the wind. Our perfect new house sits right by a loud highway. Our brand new car gets a dent in the side of it. And the more time we spend with our desire system, the less we can tolerate imperfection. We daydream about the perfect future and forsake our current reality. It's time to spend more time with the raw edges of reality. It may not be perfect, but it's real.
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